So while reading The Dumb House (amazing book by the way, check it out) I came across the expression "pyrrhic victory" and became quite taken by it. To quote Wikipedia ('cause all college students are doing it anyways so why not):

[It] is a victory that inflicts such a devastating toll on the victor that it is tantamount to defeat. Someone who wins a Pyrrhic victory has been victorious in some way, though the heavy toll negates a true sense of achievement or profit.

This stuck with me because a while ago I had to make the choice of writing or not writing a paper (considering this was the second of three chances, of which the best two would count as the final grade-and I had already got the highest score for the first one) and I handed it in even though I now think I shouldn't have.

You see, I have ideas, I have concepts, I have notions that once set are hard for me to not fulfill. Although I wasn't very inspired and didn't know much about what I wanted to say with my paper, I plowed through it in the most absurdly stubborn way. I just had to hand it in because I had already started it and I might as well finish it.

I lost quite a lot of time trying to finish it, and in the end produced something quite embarrassing. Even right before I handed it in I hesitated, but still turned it in because I though "meh, I already wrote it", which until today bothers me incessantly.

To make matter worse, a classmate of mine had to read the paper and make suggestions. I was so angry at myself that any sense of accomplishment I could have had due to finishing the freaking paper was undercut by the haunting notion of having done a disgusting job which wasn't really even mandatory or necessary in any way.

From that it follows that I have to learn that some loses are better than these sorts of victories. I must, somehow, learn to be okay with all of this.

And of course I hope I can do better for my third paper!