Crushing Academia
diciembre 16, 2018
{Poster of my first-ever conference! It went great!}
So I know everyone hates academics and their snobbish ways, but hear me out for a sec.
So lately I've been working my way into the academia halls of my Uni faculty. Rather successfully, I might add. Now when professors ask what I'm up to I have an area of research to explain and a current research to share with them.
And I enjoy it. I enjoy the research aspect, producing essays, and thinking of ways to synthesize what I've learned and explain it to others. I especially enjoy crafting and giving conferences.
Academic life suits me, I think. I love learning, going to classes, taking tests, being busy, having a different schedule every semester. Yes. I am rather fond of it.
But I'm also insecure about it. And more than a little afraid to commit to it.
In particular, I don't like the "dry aspect" of it. People believe academia is very snobbish and to a degree they are right. Or rather, you either do the snobbish dry stuff with the classics or go full hipster and do only contemporary pop culture stuff. There is little room for in-betweens. And the in-betweens are precisely what I like.
I'd like to do things differently; better conferences, more engaging essays, fascinating classes, but I don't know how much of that is realistic. Am I deluding myself into thinking I'll always be able to do things the way I want?
I also don't know how much of my life and time I should dedicate to it. Sometimes I want to immerse myself in it, sometimes I fear if I do I won't be able to do anything else. Especially when it comes to writing, which I know is ridiculous for there are many academics who are writers as well, but especially if I go for linguistics or neuroscience... I feel like I need to choose between science-y academia or literary academia and that's a choice I'm not sure I want to make.
I also question how smart I am overall. Can I get into a top university? Is it good that I have all these doubts? Are they propelling me forward or holding me back?
So although I think I am crushing academia, I am also afraid of how crushing it can turn out to be for me. I am working really hard to stand out, to move forward, and I enjoy doing it. When I'm actually working I feel very motivated and like I can do anything, but as soon as I stop to breathe it feels like I'll melt into anxiety and self-doubt.
So. There you have it.
To end this on a more positive note, I'll tell you about giving my first conference this semester (twice) and both times it went amazing. People were really impressed with the research and the talk itself, and for a couple of hours I felt like I was absolutely at the right place, at the right time. I hope I can revisit that feeling over and over throughout my life.
Hello, I'm Roxie!
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