{Diary Entry #02} Queer Things...

diciembre 30, 2018



Some things I've been feeling lately...




I've never hidden.

I've known since a very young age I am not straight. For some years I thought I was a lesbian, and made my peace with that. Then I got THE crush on THAT boy who would never look at me twice and that was fine and I figured maybe not. I learnt the word bisexual. I learnt the word pansexual. Ultimately I decided it didn't matter. I learnt what the Kinsey scale is. I've grown warm to the term 'queer'. It's umbrella, it's reclaimed, it encompasses both gender and sexual orientation and non-binaries. I'm good with it. It's a tag I embrace.

And then I dated a guy this year. And I really didn't like it. I hated it, actually. Nobody knows, I believe, the extent to which I disliked it at the time. He was a very good guy, I'll admit, but it  soon felt like something wasn't right. Something was missing. It made me rethink the dike tag. It made me realize men, especially straight ones, aren't really my thing. 

I might be a lesbian as general understandings go, although I firmly believe sexuality is more fluid than just a binary tag. And people are beautiful, and interesting, and alluring, regardless of what is between their legs. People are more than their gender. But yes. I prefer women. By a HUGE margin.

Is there a problem with that? Hell, no.

Except. 

Except my closest friends are straight. Straight-ish, but straight. People who have had a similar but reverse experiences to mine: have had same sex relationships or friends who've had them, and  they were train wrecks. Also, as they like men, they do not take too much to me fawning over women. And I realized, after the whole I-don't-like-guys-that-much debacle, that I'd been tweaking my comments and my stance to appear on the more straight side of the queer spectrum only to fit in more with them. And I'd been doing it for way more than I'd originally realized.  

I don't want to make a big deal of "re-coming out". I've done that, and it was the right choice at the time. But now I wouldn't want to announce how gay I am only to fall for a guy within the next year (unlikely but I like to cover my bases), and I also don't want to go back to embracing binaries. Queer is fine for me. Options are fine for me.

Except.

Except that I've noticed I used to be so much more open about my queerness when I hung out mostly with my other friends and it sucks to feel like I've been faking things even to the smallest extent. 

I'm not that sure how to deal with this realization yet, but I will figure it out.

I just need some time.

Update, 2019: yeah, I'm a lesbian :)

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