On coming to terms with fear (and sort-of overcoming it)
diciembre 12, 2017
(I swear the picture makes sense in the end)
My main goal this year was to be more open, less afraid, take more risks. Although I can still confidently claim that my heart beats wildly when I so much as think about taking a metaphorical leap, I am proud to claim that I have achieved my goal nevertheless.
One of my biggest fears in life is failure. It's irrational, impractical, illogical for the most part, but it's very much there. It is unfortunate since nowadays it is quite cool not to care too much. In fact, we are constantly told to admire fearless leaders and risk-takers. Wusses to the back, the world claims.
Well. I am fearful.
But I have also promised myself that I would never allow fear to prevent me from achieving anything. And I meant it. And although many times fear has threatened to stop me, I have pushed through, carrying it with me as long as I had to and unknowingly letting it go in the process.
It has not been easy (often tears have been involved); I still feel my hands shake, my cheeks redden, my pulse rise, and all the fear, for the most part, is still there. I still feel like crying when I think people are seeing too much, or that I am not in control, or that I might fail. I still feel so small and adrift.
It has not been easy (often tears have been involved); I still feel my hands shake, my cheeks redden, my pulse rise, and all the fear, for the most part, is still there. I still feel like crying when I think people are seeing too much, or that I am not in control, or that I might fail. I still feel so small and adrift.
Luckily, there's a however:
Every time I take the chance, make the leap, I become stronger. Every single time.
Of course I wish I was bolder (it would certainly be easier, if nothing else), but in the words of Queen Hedwig, "it's what I got to work with".
So back to the picture. I went to a Contemporary dance workshop (the guy in the pic is Nick, the teacher and an amazing dancer!). I was scared out of my fucking mind. Not only because it's hard and I'm not used to it, but I also feared that my body wouldn't be able to take it, honestly. It's still a wonderful discovery, I feel like, what my body can accomplish. It's not nearly as much as I'd like, but it's getting there and I guess I still don't give it the credit it deserves.
Contemporary also scares me because it's so much about honesty and raw emotion and letting people see you and that's something that makes me very uncomfortable.
But I love it, you know? I love contemporary and contemporary-influenced dances because I think they are infinitely beautiful. Yet whenever I took a contemporary class I always held back, felt too awkward, clunky... afraid.
Today was the last day of the workshop cycle, and I tried, I really tried really hard, and I listened and observed and took mental and physical notes and I was actually selected by the teacher for a group (a group that included amazing dancers, by the way). I couldn't believe it. I danced my heart out. It was noticed. I was noticed.
Today I am proud of myself, not just because I did well but most importantly because I did well in spite of having been afraid. I want to acknowledge, cherish and bask in this pride. I want to remember it for rainy days that I know will come just as I know that I will get past them.
Today was one of those rare occasions where not only nothing seemed to go wrong, but actually everything went right.
Today I was scared to do the thing but did the thing anyways and the thing turned out great. (Yes, that was a reference to Amy Poehler's memoir.)
Today was perfect.
Hello, I'm Roxie!
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