Adrift...
enero 28, 2018
I've been back for a couple of days now, and I can recognize the symptoms of an "episode" slowly brewing.
It has started with sheer sadness, at everything, because of anything. It is a feeling best described simply by "sigh".
Then there is the overthinking and obsessing. I acknowledge this is part of my regular thought process, but it always becomes stronger when I get this way.
And then is the "why bother", the lack of motivation to do anything because it's pointless. I operate on a system wherein everything in principle is pointless, but usually that is exactly what makes me pursue what I love instead of what I think might have a point attached at its end. Yet now... Nothing. I pick up a book and set it aside, I try to edit videos and only glance at a computer, I think of making plans and then reconsider.
I guess this is because while I was away everything seemed possible and now I'm back and I love that I get to hang with people I love but that means I only get to have the people I love while I'm stuck in this country, and leaving to pursue other dreams means leaving them behind and I find the thought too sad to bear with it. It also has to do with not winning the excellence award this year when I thought I'd done so well last year. It has to do with self confidence in my writing and the inability to discuss it with others (because of me, not them). It has to do with me being afraid of trying certain things which results in second-guessing everything. It has to do with the certainty that I love too many things and I dread the time of having to choose, a time that is neither far-away nor close enough.
It has to do with me feeling adrift and like I cannot grasp anything at all.
Hello, I'm Roxie!
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